Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished.
Daniel Gilbert
You decided to learn a new skill. You’re determined to learn it well… and let’s be honest, you want to learn it fast.
I work with people who want to finally improve their English skills, so I’ll be mostly talking about developing the ability to be authentic and spontaneous in English. However, the same applies to mastering any non-trivial skill.
Most of my clients are immigrants. They have lived in an English-speaking country for many years, but they still struggle to express themselves themselves in English and feel foreign around new people. So, they stick with the people they know and deprive themselves of opportunities to create new relationships, both in personal and professional life.
Most people approach learning from the wrong angle. They start with the what feels most exciting. However, this is the wrong first step:
Step 1: acquire new knowledge
They start learning something new ABOUT the skill that they want to improve.
- They want to improve their running, so they buy the newest model of a Garmin watch and expensive running gear.
- They watch to improve their spontaneous speaking skills in English, so they watch hundreds of videos about learning English.
- They want to eat better, so buy new books on the topic and take modern online courses.
This is not learning. This is the accumulation of unnecessary information.
Why unnecessary? Because you don't know what’s necessary. Not yet.
Here is how I approach learning non-trivial skills.
I’m not saying that my method is the only correct one or that it will work for everyone. I’m saying that it has helped me improve multiple skills in different areas of life (mobility, flexibility, drawing, cooking, baking, English skills, writing, learning, driving, communicating with empathy, emotional intimacy, coaching, etc). It also works for hundreds of people who have been improving their English language skills with me.
What is a non-trivial skill?
While “trivial” is simple, straightforward, easily understood, and lacks complexity or depth of analysis, non-trivial skills are complex, hard to master and require going deep. They require a change in behavior. There’s no template, no road map, and no clear metrics for success because every individual has individual history and very specific parameters that must be considered. In other words, if you want to teach someone non-trivial skills, you need to understand them deeply and intimately before you start giving them any advice. If you want to learn non-trivial skills, you need to take the time to understand yourself deeply and intimately. Non-trivial skills may appear easy to learn, but they require intense levels of concentration, patience, discipline, and creativity. They’re not for everyone.
Next time you see an ad that says “Five easy steps to learn XYZ”, “100 words that will instantly make you sound smart in English”, or “The only rule you need to know to sound better in another language”, be aware of what you’re looking at. Only trivial skills can be structured like a textbook, divided into steps, and certified.
There is no exam for a non-trivial skill. You either have empathy or you don’t. You either have great relationships or you don’t. You either change how you sound in another language or you don’t, hoping that your speaking skills will change on their own over time. Non-trivial skills require high levels of self-awareness and self-reflection. You’re not learning a new discipline or something ABOUT this discipline. You’re learning something new about yourself to understand why you can’t do what you want to do…yet.
Next time you see an ad that says “Five easy steps to learn XYZ”, “100 words that will instantly make you sound smart in English”, or “The only rule you need to know to sound better in another language”, be aware of what you’re looking at. Only trivial skills can be structured like a textbook, divided into steps, and certified.
There is no exam for a non-trivial skill. You either have empathy or you don’t. You either have great relationships or you don’t. You either change how you sound in another language or you don’t, hoping that your speaking skills will change on their own over time. Non-trivial skills require high levels of self-awareness and self-reflection. You’re not learning a new discipline or something ABOUT this discipline. You’re learning something new about yourself to understand why you can’t do what you want to do…yet.
So, back to the steps that can help you learn non-trivial skills.
"The hardest thing of all to see is what is really there."
J.A. Baker:
Step #1. Self-assessment. The gap between the desired and the current level.
Step #1 is to understand what you are missing or what you are not doing.
What is it that doesn't allow me to speak better English / lose weight/ build a strong body?
Example: I want to speak better English. I've lived in the U.S for 10 years, but I still sound like I arrived yesterday.
To learn to speak better, I need to understand what's missing. What is it that I don't do or have to do in order to close the gap between how I sound today and how I want to sound?
Write down these questions. Spend some time answering them every day in writing, however long this takes. (If you’re someone who likes taking long walks to think, take these questions with you and let the answers rise to the surface)
Don't think about how long this will take. Think about results. Once you have clarity (and the answers WILL come), you will have the every to do things.
Many people spend YEARS in therapy looking for this clarity. This approach is faster, even if this takes a few weeks or a couple of months.
In my experience, it never takes longer than that.
Example:
The question: What am I missing?
My answer: Clarity relative to what I'm doing wrong. I speak the way I always speak and I don't really know what needs fixing.
If I can’t see what needs improvement, I will never start improving it. I need someone who can see what I can’t. I will look for help and ask a professional to give me feedback.
This is what I did when I decided to work on my accent. I tried everything: Youtube accent coaches, The Blue Canoe app, Color Vowel Yoga, The Bold Voice App, A few accent programs, phonetics courses, books on phonetics etc. All of the pre-recorded content gave me more information ABOUT the sounds of American English, and they often contradicted each other or the IPA. I made some improvement, but eventually, I got stuck. I couldn’t make further progress. According to my teachers back then, I was doing great. The apps gave me positive feedback: “Your results are incredible! Your pronunciation is 100% correct!”, but that was not true, and I knew it.
The apps where AI gives you feedback on your accent or pronunciation have little value if you want to sound human. Only humans can register emotions. Humans connect or disconnect when we speak, and AI doesn’t know why. AI can measure your pauses and give you simple phrases to repeat, but it can’t FEEL what humans can feel without any training.
When I started working with 21Accents, I got very specific feedback on what I was NOT doing or doing incorrectly. That encouraged me to practice and fall in love with my practice. I know how to self-correct, so I didn’t see the task as impossible. However, it was hard in the beginning. To be honest, the more I work on my accent, the harder it feels cause the new me who sounds like a different person (very different from the person I’ve known for so many years) is asking for more and more surrender. My new language identity needs me to surrender my old habits and the way I move my mouth, my body, and my voice, which is A LOT. It is asking me to let go of everything I thought I knew, and to give my new identity enough space so it can grow and become more intelligent, more self-aware, more free.
When I started working with 21Accents, I got very specific feedback on what I was NOT doing or doing incorrectly. That encouraged me to practice and fall in love with my practice. I know how to self-correct, so I didn’t see the task as impossible. However, it was hard in the beginning. To be honest, the more I work on my accent, the harder it feels cause the new me who sounds like a different person (very different from the person I’ve known for so many years) is asking for more and more surrender. My new language identity needs me to surrender my old habits and the way I move my mouth, my body, and my voice, which is A LOT. It is asking me to let go of everything I thought I knew, and to give my new identity enough space so it can grow and become more intelligent, more self-aware, more free.
I got very clear answers to the first question: “What am I missing?”
- My “R” was not American
- My “oi” and “or” sounds needed a lot of work.
- The placement of most of my vowels was in the front
- My long [u] needed work
- The words that I learned very early (but incorrectly) needed more work than I could imagine: banana, do, you, work, so, don’t.
- I had a tendency to drop words mid-sentence and over-pronounce the words that must be reduced
- I overemphasized the word “I”
- My [ai] in ALL the words sounded as if I was from Texas, but I didn’t sound like I was from Texas. I didn’t want to speak with the Southern accent either.
"What is essential is invisible to the eye."
The most eternal line from The Little Prince
So, it’s a lot of work. At the same time, it’s a lot of clarity about the work. Before I had this feedback, I’d hear the same thing over and over, “Your English is so great! Don’t worry. I love accents. I understand everything you say”
People say this not to upset you. In my culture, we openly say the things that we don’t like. In American culture, people learn very early that ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. I needed improvement, and I didn’t know how to create it. So, I was actively looking for feedback. I also knew whose feedback I wanted.
If you want to improve your English skills, you need to learn discernment.
“Your English is good” is not feedback. People say it so you don’t get upset, and they’re not to blame for you getting upset. Take feedback from someone who knows what it feels like to be in your shoes. People who have never learned another language will not know what your struggle feels like. People who don’t value excellence will also not know how to help you get there.
Decide whose feedback you want and treat your teacher with the highest respect.
Feedback is not the same as criticism. Again, you need discernment. Are they really criticizing you, or are you taking constructive feedback as criticism?
Feedback is supposed to help you grow and have more faith in your ability to do better, but it must not diminish your spirit.
Feedback is not praise either. If you want to be praised all the time, you’ll struggle to receive feedback. You will simply not know what to do with it. And DOING something with feedback is the most important part of this practice—the practice of becoming a different person. A person who can do the things that the current version of you can’t.
It's not even about learning English. English is only a skill.
As you learn ANY skill, you primarily learn to understand yourself.
You see what was hidden in you. You finally understand what you couldn't wrap your head around for years.
The trajectory of developing a skill is simple: You go from "I can't do this" to "I can do this"
Self-correction is so hard because people have to learn to see the invisible. No one likes looking at their mistakes, destructive behaviors, and the lies they tell themselves. But it's necessary... In order to become a better human.
If you work by yourself, without a coach, use writing to find your answers. Don't play this game in your head.
Write down the questions:
Instead of looking at other people, look INWARD. If you work with a GOOD coach, they will help you arrive at this understanding faster than if you worked by yourself.
Before I recommend anything to my clients, I spend enough time listening to them.
The method is universal, but the implementation depends on many individual factors.
You see what was hidden in you. You finally understand what you couldn't wrap your head around for years.
The trajectory of developing a skill is simple: You go from "I can't do this" to "I can do this"
Self-correction is so hard because people have to learn to see the invisible. No one likes looking at their mistakes, destructive behaviors, and the lies they tell themselves. But it's necessary... In order to become a better human.
If you work by yourself, without a coach, use writing to find your answers. Don't play this game in your head.
Write down the questions:
- "What am I missing?"
- "What am I not doing to get what I want?"
- "What am I pretending not to know?"
Instead of looking at other people, look INWARD. If you work with a GOOD coach, they will help you arrive at this understanding faster than if you worked by yourself.
Before I recommend anything to my clients, I spend enough time listening to them.
The method is universal, but the implementation depends on many individual factors.
Example
The Question: What am I pretending not to know?
The Answer: I’m pretending not to know that nothing will change unless I decide to change it. I'm hoping that my English will get better simply because I live in the U.S. now. I'm pretending not to see that my chosen strategy is not working.
My strategy is to "hope for the best" and pretend that it works. I know that if I continue doing the same thing, I will sound exactly the same even if I spend 10 more years here, but I'm pretending not to know this.
The Question: What is it that I'm not doing?
The Answer: I am not practicing with the intention to improve my skills. I speak English every day, but I don't feel like I'm improving. I'm simply maintaining the level that I already have. I'm repeating the same mistakes every time I speak. I'm not doing any systematic work. I watch random videos, do random exercises, go to see random movies, but there's no system in my actions.
The Answer: I’m pretending not to know that nothing will change unless I decide to change it. I'm hoping that my English will get better simply because I live in the U.S. now. I'm pretending not to see that my chosen strategy is not working.
My strategy is to "hope for the best" and pretend that it works. I know that if I continue doing the same thing, I will sound exactly the same even if I spend 10 more years here, but I'm pretending not to know this.
The Question: What is it that I'm not doing?
The Answer: I am not practicing with the intention to improve my skills. I speak English every day, but I don't feel like I'm improving. I'm simply maintaining the level that I already have. I'm repeating the same mistakes every time I speak. I'm not doing any systematic work. I watch random videos, do random exercises, go to see random movies, but there's no system in my actions.
Watch this video to add patience to your practice. You need it to learn any non-trivial skill.
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FREE self-study resources are here.
